Here are a few of my Mum's tips for saving money.
1. Never buy a book. If my Mum reads of a book she fancies reading she rarely buys one. Instead she walks to Waterstone's in town and she can read so fast doing skim reading and various techniques that she can usually get through the book in about 15 mins, enough anyway to get the gist. The hazards are sometimes you get a Waterstone's employee hovering around, rearranging books loudly so you get the hint but she reasons they are a big company who make a lot of money out of people, including, on occasions, her.
2. Don't make stupid bets. My Mum was watching Eastenders on Sunday with us and a woman was about to have a baby. My Mum bet Connor £10 that the baby would be kidnapped by a woman for whom the first woman was originally acting as a surrogate. The woman had her baby and all looked well from Connor's point of view. However, suddenly the second woman started to dress up as a doctor and my Mum felt victorious, especially when she sneaked into the hospital room and picked up the baby. However, just as she was leaving the first woman shouted 'Stop Right There!' and then the closing credits rolled. We had to wait till the next episode to find out the outcome of the bet.
My Mum had a brief reprieve when it looked like the second woman had another chance to snatch her baby when the first took pity on her and let her have a look at the baby outside her house but suddenly the police arrived to arrest her for kidnapping and my Mum had to cough up £10.
3. Make chicken soup. We always have chicken soup make from the boiled carcass of the chicken we have had for dinner. Put in herbs, carrots etc. and it is a Jewish panacea for things like colds and flu, very nutritious. Add a french onion cup-a-soup for a bit of mono sodium glutamate.
4. If you run out of washing up liquid use mild shampoo and vice versa. It's all detergent.
5. Save on your electricity bill and energy and folding up any school clothes under a large pile of large books. In the morning the clothes will be crease-free.
6. If you get library fines on any overdue books never go to that library again.
Friday, 29 June 2007
Thursday, 28 June 2007
More Flood News
Chaos in the morning as Holly rang at 8.20 to say that my school had opened (it was closed yesterday) and I had ten minutes to get ready. I berated my Mum for incompetence as my school uniform was nowhere to be seen as did Jack as his cookery ingredients had all been put in together in an old ice cream tub. My Mum said 'So what, they are all going to be mixed together eventually.' Jack said 'You are supposed to put them separately in foil so that then I can do it properly and anyway the ice cream tub will show me up.'
I could tell that my Mum felt guilty for her general incompetence so thought it would be the ideal opportunity to press my case for a Tamagotchi which I had wanted for some time. I left a bit of paper cut out from the Argos catalogue with the Tamagotchi on it on the arm of the settee.
My Mum went to get the Tamatgotchi in town, but went along the railway line which she had used on Monday and which was quite pleasant when it wasn't chucking it down. On the way she went to the Post Office to get some coffee and overheard some pensioners talking about how, in the old days, there were proper flood defences and how council cutbacks had led to them being unused.
On the railway line she talked to a woman with a boxer dog about her experiences of the flood. The woman said that her kids were still off school but had enjoyed being pulled about in their rubber dinghy outside the house. My Mum said 'I think you've got to be careful about the water because there might be sewage in it and I am telling my kids to wash their hands all the time.' The woman said 'Yes, he was drinking the water but I told him to stop it.' My Mum said 'What, your son was drinking the flood water!' and the woman said 'No, the dog.'
On the way to town my Mum saw loads of skips and whole rows of houses had all their carpets out on the fronts drying. An old man was walking his dog on the end of a woolly scarf because he had lost everything including his dog lead.
Later she saw Julie who said she had lost everything, including school books and the kids couldn't go to school because they had no shoes. She said that her and Lily had stood crying outside their house knee deep in water when it was suddenly as if a plug had been pulled and the water had suddenly gone down. What had happened is that two men on the estate had been told about an old flood drain by the old people and had taken matters into their own hands and had gone to open it.
Jack came back without his buns because the cookers at school wouldn't work. More flood damage.
I could tell that my Mum felt guilty for her general incompetence so thought it would be the ideal opportunity to press my case for a Tamagotchi which I had wanted for some time. I left a bit of paper cut out from the Argos catalogue with the Tamagotchi on it on the arm of the settee.
My Mum went to get the Tamatgotchi in town, but went along the railway line which she had used on Monday and which was quite pleasant when it wasn't chucking it down. On the way she went to the Post Office to get some coffee and overheard some pensioners talking about how, in the old days, there were proper flood defences and how council cutbacks had led to them being unused.
On the railway line she talked to a woman with a boxer dog about her experiences of the flood. The woman said that her kids were still off school but had enjoyed being pulled about in their rubber dinghy outside the house. My Mum said 'I think you've got to be careful about the water because there might be sewage in it and I am telling my kids to wash their hands all the time.' The woman said 'Yes, he was drinking the water but I told him to stop it.' My Mum said 'What, your son was drinking the flood water!' and the woman said 'No, the dog.'
On the way to town my Mum saw loads of skips and whole rows of houses had all their carpets out on the fronts drying. An old man was walking his dog on the end of a woolly scarf because he had lost everything including his dog lead.
Later she saw Julie who said she had lost everything, including school books and the kids couldn't go to school because they had no shoes. She said that her and Lily had stood crying outside their house knee deep in water when it was suddenly as if a plug had been pulled and the water had suddenly gone down. What had happened is that two men on the estate had been told about an old flood drain by the old people and had taken matters into their own hands and had gone to open it.
Jack came back without his buns because the cookers at school wouldn't work. More flood damage.
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Floods
Yesterday we had a month's rainfall in a day and this city was put on a state of emergency.
My Mum had nearly finished her dog walk and was trying to get to Sainsbury's when she found that the road she usually crosses was a lake and unpassable. However, she was not unduly concerned as it was like that last week when it flooded so exchanged a wry glance with a lady who was standing at her front door to keep a check on the water level and continued up the estate to try and find a dry bit through. This proved to be impossible and my Mum ended up with the two dogs on a disused railway line on a piece of waste land unable to get out because of a high fence. She ended up scrambling down from a railway bridge somewhere in the centre of the city.
As she finally got to Sainsbury's for her paper she explained what had happened to the shop assistant who was sweeping water from the shop who said 'Surely you didn't want a paper that much' but my Mum said 'Well actually I had to walk my dogs'.
As the day progressed the floods got worse and worse until even this street (which is on a raised bit of ground) looked like Venice with the road knee deep in water and waves lapping up the pavement. When my Mum came to pick me up (bringing my Dad's big fluorescent work jacket for me to put on) we saw that the road she had walked down in the morning kids walking back from school waste-high in water.
There were police and emergency vans everywhere and on the air you could hear the sound of sirens. Some ladies had given up wearing their high heels and were walking home in bare feet. In the streets next to our's people were bucketing water out of their houses and building walls of sand bags. My Mum had to carry me across our road on her back.
My Dad couldn't get home from work so went to my Grandma's where the water was half an inch from coming in the back door. He said the Avenue was a heaving torrent of brown water which had come off the nearby hills.
We kept a regular check on the water level outside our house.
Today most of the schools were shut and I fell out with Jack because his school was shut and mine was open. It turns out me and Holly didn't need to have gone to school after all because in one class there was only Lorna and Harrison.
On the way to school there were tide marks and flotsam and jetsam. On the way back James at Tesco's was looking very tired as he had just completed a twelve hour shift to cover for the people who were at home sorting out their houses. Later on the girl on the evening shift had come in because she just couldn't face it at home and her eyes were red-rimmed.
My Mum had nearly finished her dog walk and was trying to get to Sainsbury's when she found that the road she usually crosses was a lake and unpassable. However, she was not unduly concerned as it was like that last week when it flooded so exchanged a wry glance with a lady who was standing at her front door to keep a check on the water level and continued up the estate to try and find a dry bit through. This proved to be impossible and my Mum ended up with the two dogs on a disused railway line on a piece of waste land unable to get out because of a high fence. She ended up scrambling down from a railway bridge somewhere in the centre of the city.
As she finally got to Sainsbury's for her paper she explained what had happened to the shop assistant who was sweeping water from the shop who said 'Surely you didn't want a paper that much' but my Mum said 'Well actually I had to walk my dogs'.
As the day progressed the floods got worse and worse until even this street (which is on a raised bit of ground) looked like Venice with the road knee deep in water and waves lapping up the pavement. When my Mum came to pick me up (bringing my Dad's big fluorescent work jacket for me to put on) we saw that the road she had walked down in the morning kids walking back from school waste-high in water.
There were police and emergency vans everywhere and on the air you could hear the sound of sirens. Some ladies had given up wearing their high heels and were walking home in bare feet. In the streets next to our's people were bucketing water out of their houses and building walls of sand bags. My Mum had to carry me across our road on her back.
My Dad couldn't get home from work so went to my Grandma's where the water was half an inch from coming in the back door. He said the Avenue was a heaving torrent of brown water which had come off the nearby hills.
We kept a regular check on the water level outside our house.
Today most of the schools were shut and I fell out with Jack because his school was shut and mine was open. It turns out me and Holly didn't need to have gone to school after all because in one class there was only Lorna and Harrison.
On the way to school there were tide marks and flotsam and jetsam. On the way back James at Tesco's was looking very tired as he had just completed a twelve hour shift to cover for the people who were at home sorting out their houses. Later on the girl on the evening shift had come in because she just couldn't face it at home and her eyes were red-rimmed.
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Losing Dogs
My Mum has a history of losing dogs.
The first time it happened my Mum took Tessa to Tesco's in the evening when it was dark. She got her stuff and went home.
A few hours later somebody noticed that somebody had seen Tessa for a while. When you have got dogs they usually follow you about the house and when they aren't there you subconsciously notice an absence. When Tessa has been in kennels my Mum always feels funny like there is something missing.
This is the sort of feeling which she felt on that evening.
Everybody searched around for Tessa and then the awful realisation dawned that my Mum had left her outside Tesco's. This is not as hard to do as it sounds as Tessa is a black dog and it was night.
My Dad went back to Tesco's and Tessa was not there. What had happened is that a dinner lady (the same one who leaves veg for horses on the Common) had taken pity on Tess because she thought she was an abandoned dog and had taken her to the RSPCA dog pound where my Dad had to collect her later that evening. My Mum felt dreadful and the dinner lady still gives her dirty looks to this day.
In the second instance it was worse as it was somebody else's dog.
Sally and Rob had just got a rescue dog called Angel, which was a very timid dog. My Mum volunteered to take Angel for a walk on a Monday afternoon when Sally went to work.
The only problem was that Angel was scared of Scamp and he could smell him on my Mum and when she tried to put the lead on retreated under the table.
My Mum decided to get Jack to put the lead on as Angel was used to Jack. She got Jack to go in to the cowering Angel while she stood by the front door. Suddenly Angel shot past her through the door and disappeared into the street. What had happened is that Jack had put the lead on under the table, stood up, banged his head on the table and dropped the lead. Angel must have thought her best bet in this house full of idiots was to leg it.
My Mum ran after Angel, who is a very fast dog. She went down all the places where she was taken for a walk and my Mum ended up running all the way to school past many of the people she knows running like crazy after a dog with a trailing lead.
Angel changed tack and ran down the road in the rush hour traffic with my Mum in hot pursuit. Somebody asked what was happening, took pity on her and gave her a lift in a car. When my Mum recounted the story later to her workmates they said she shouldn't have got into a car with a stranger to which my Mum said 'Well, she was a woman with a child with her' to which someone said 'Yes, but have you heard of Chuckie?'
Later my Mum located Angel in the middle of the park, obviously gone to a familiar place. My Mum was scared that if she tried to approach her she would run off so asked a kindly passerby to approach her instead. The passer by approached very gently and cautiously and at the last minute Angel ran off again out of the park.
Then my Mum went back to Angel's house and opened the door and stood in our house and watched.
A little while later Angel ran down the street and into the house.
Dogs aren't stupid.
The first time it happened my Mum took Tessa to Tesco's in the evening when it was dark. She got her stuff and went home.
A few hours later somebody noticed that somebody had seen Tessa for a while. When you have got dogs they usually follow you about the house and when they aren't there you subconsciously notice an absence. When Tessa has been in kennels my Mum always feels funny like there is something missing.
This is the sort of feeling which she felt on that evening.
Everybody searched around for Tessa and then the awful realisation dawned that my Mum had left her outside Tesco's. This is not as hard to do as it sounds as Tessa is a black dog and it was night.
My Dad went back to Tesco's and Tessa was not there. What had happened is that a dinner lady (the same one who leaves veg for horses on the Common) had taken pity on Tess because she thought she was an abandoned dog and had taken her to the RSPCA dog pound where my Dad had to collect her later that evening. My Mum felt dreadful and the dinner lady still gives her dirty looks to this day.
In the second instance it was worse as it was somebody else's dog.
Sally and Rob had just got a rescue dog called Angel, which was a very timid dog. My Mum volunteered to take Angel for a walk on a Monday afternoon when Sally went to work.
The only problem was that Angel was scared of Scamp and he could smell him on my Mum and when she tried to put the lead on retreated under the table.
My Mum decided to get Jack to put the lead on as Angel was used to Jack. She got Jack to go in to the cowering Angel while she stood by the front door. Suddenly Angel shot past her through the door and disappeared into the street. What had happened is that Jack had put the lead on under the table, stood up, banged his head on the table and dropped the lead. Angel must have thought her best bet in this house full of idiots was to leg it.
My Mum ran after Angel, who is a very fast dog. She went down all the places where she was taken for a walk and my Mum ended up running all the way to school past many of the people she knows running like crazy after a dog with a trailing lead.
Angel changed tack and ran down the road in the rush hour traffic with my Mum in hot pursuit. Somebody asked what was happening, took pity on her and gave her a lift in a car. When my Mum recounted the story later to her workmates they said she shouldn't have got into a car with a stranger to which my Mum said 'Well, she was a woman with a child with her' to which someone said 'Yes, but have you heard of Chuckie?'
Later my Mum located Angel in the middle of the park, obviously gone to a familiar place. My Mum was scared that if she tried to approach her she would run off so asked a kindly passerby to approach her instead. The passer by approached very gently and cautiously and at the last minute Angel ran off again out of the park.
Then my Mum went back to Angel's house and opened the door and stood in our house and watched.
A little while later Angel ran down the street and into the house.
Dogs aren't stupid.
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Jack is In Trouble
In the city where we live stink bombs have been banned.
This is because lads have been buying stink bombs from the joke shop and letting them off in Marks and Spencer so the local council have banned the shop from selling stink bombs.
My Mum knows this because she wanted to buy Jack some and they told her this in the shop but because the man said she looked like a responsible person he brought her some out from under the counter and let her have some.
Now when she wants some she waits until the shop is empty and asks the man for some stink bombs so she doesn't get him into trouble.
Yesterday Jack was late home from school as he had been at David Parker Hunt's. He slipped in the house very quietly and unassumingly.
It later transpired that Jack had been put in detention at school with Connor and David Parker Hunt for letting off a stink bomb in the changing room. I asked what it smelt like and he said 'Rotten eggs, but it smelt worse when we tried to cover up the smell with our deodorants'. He said they had waited in the reception for their detention for half an hour but no teacher turned up so they just went to David Parker Hunt's.
This is because lads have been buying stink bombs from the joke shop and letting them off in Marks and Spencer so the local council have banned the shop from selling stink bombs.
My Mum knows this because she wanted to buy Jack some and they told her this in the shop but because the man said she looked like a responsible person he brought her some out from under the counter and let her have some.
Now when she wants some she waits until the shop is empty and asks the man for some stink bombs so she doesn't get him into trouble.
Yesterday Jack was late home from school as he had been at David Parker Hunt's. He slipped in the house very quietly and unassumingly.
It later transpired that Jack had been put in detention at school with Connor and David Parker Hunt for letting off a stink bomb in the changing room. I asked what it smelt like and he said 'Rotten eggs, but it smelt worse when we tried to cover up the smell with our deodorants'. He said they had waited in the reception for their detention for half an hour but no teacher turned up so they just went to David Parker Hunt's.
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
A scary dog walk
Where we live sometimes lads from a nearby estate come riding, helmetless, on their motorbikes at high speeds. They take the silencers off the motorbike's exhausts so the bikes make a very loud sound in between a very loud angry giant wasp and an air raid siren. It is a very sinister sound. When they do it during daylight hours everybody stops what they are doing and has a look, which is probably what they want.
My Mum was doing a late evening walk in the dark along the deserted pavement when she heard this sound in the distance getting louder and louder as the bike got nearer. Even though my Mum knew it was a couple of daft lads she got spooked.
The sound then retreated again as the bike changed direction and my Mum breathed a sigh of relief. She started walking faster.
Suddenly the sound started getting louder and louder and my Mum felt like she was being pursued by an unknown malevolent entity who had worked out where she was and was coming to get her. She made for the snicket (a path lined with fences through a built up area) and the sound got louder and louder until it was deafening, my Mum's heart raced and the idiots sped past her through the snicket.
My Mum thought it would be a good idea for a film.
My Mum was doing a late evening walk in the dark along the deserted pavement when she heard this sound in the distance getting louder and louder as the bike got nearer. Even though my Mum knew it was a couple of daft lads she got spooked.
The sound then retreated again as the bike changed direction and my Mum breathed a sigh of relief. She started walking faster.
Suddenly the sound started getting louder and louder and my Mum felt like she was being pursued by an unknown malevolent entity who had worked out where she was and was coming to get her. She made for the snicket (a path lined with fences through a built up area) and the sound got louder and louder until it was deafening, my Mum's heart raced and the idiots sped past her through the snicket.
My Mum thought it would be a good idea for a film.
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Camping
Now it is Glastonbury Week it takes my Mum's mind back to camping.
When they first got together my Mum and Dad had a tiny two-berth tent and they took it to Scarborough. It must have been very early in the season as my Mum remembers primroses being out. They camped on a cliff and it was howling a gale all night and they awoke to feel the tent roof touching their noses. Such was the wind the tent had been flattened though it popped up again once the wind had abated.
When we were little they didn't have much money so still used the tent though a fishing umbrella was added at the front by way of an extension. Once on a holiday in Wales we spent most of our time under the fishing umbrella, alternating with the site laundrette, as it rained the whole time. It also rained in Cumbria and we were quite small and played around in the mud a lot. On a visit to Blackpool on the same holiday my Mum noticed red blotches appearing all over my body. Highly alarmed she took me to the local casualty who diagnosed impetigo, which is a disease got by grubby little Victorian urchins who lacked basic sanitation. The mud, combined with difficulties in reaching the shower block in the pouring rain, had had the same effect.
My Mum and Dad's golden rule when it comes to camping is 'Go Down South'. The weather is always better and a few years ago during the hottest summer on record being on the beach at Combe Martin felt like being in the Med, with packed beaches and people partying until the early hours. The exception is when we go to my Dad's Landrover trials and we camp overnight. Once we camped on a cliff at Robin Hoods Bay and when you looked out of the tent you could see the line of the edge of the cliff and then the blue sea and it felt like being on the edge of the world.
We have been to Dorset,Somerset, Suffolk, and Oxfordshire. At the latter camp site I picked up a wild rabbit because nobody had told me I couldn't. I held the rabbit in my arms for a moment while it must have frozen in disbelief and then it sprang away. That was also the site where we saw a water snake.
The site in Suffolk was next to a pond and every morning a mother duck would bring her ducklings while we were cooking the bacon sandwiches. She would stand back while me and my brother would throw them bits of bread and never have any herself which is a fine example of maternal devotion.
This was also site where we had to walk a long way to the toilet block and for some reason I thought that my towel was like a vampire's cape and I ran along the track baring my teeth like a vampire, pink cape flapping behind me. I didn't see the car coming but the bloke in it chewed his fists like he was really scared.
When they first got together my Mum and Dad had a tiny two-berth tent and they took it to Scarborough. It must have been very early in the season as my Mum remembers primroses being out. They camped on a cliff and it was howling a gale all night and they awoke to feel the tent roof touching their noses. Such was the wind the tent had been flattened though it popped up again once the wind had abated.
When we were little they didn't have much money so still used the tent though a fishing umbrella was added at the front by way of an extension. Once on a holiday in Wales we spent most of our time under the fishing umbrella, alternating with the site laundrette, as it rained the whole time. It also rained in Cumbria and we were quite small and played around in the mud a lot. On a visit to Blackpool on the same holiday my Mum noticed red blotches appearing all over my body. Highly alarmed she took me to the local casualty who diagnosed impetigo, which is a disease got by grubby little Victorian urchins who lacked basic sanitation. The mud, combined with difficulties in reaching the shower block in the pouring rain, had had the same effect.
My Mum and Dad's golden rule when it comes to camping is 'Go Down South'. The weather is always better and a few years ago during the hottest summer on record being on the beach at Combe Martin felt like being in the Med, with packed beaches and people partying until the early hours. The exception is when we go to my Dad's Landrover trials and we camp overnight. Once we camped on a cliff at Robin Hoods Bay and when you looked out of the tent you could see the line of the edge of the cliff and then the blue sea and it felt like being on the edge of the world.
We have been to Dorset,Somerset, Suffolk, and Oxfordshire. At the latter camp site I picked up a wild rabbit because nobody had told me I couldn't. I held the rabbit in my arms for a moment while it must have frozen in disbelief and then it sprang away. That was also the site where we saw a water snake.
The site in Suffolk was next to a pond and every morning a mother duck would bring her ducklings while we were cooking the bacon sandwiches. She would stand back while me and my brother would throw them bits of bread and never have any herself which is a fine example of maternal devotion.
This was also site where we had to walk a long way to the toilet block and for some reason I thought that my towel was like a vampire's cape and I ran along the track baring my teeth like a vampire, pink cape flapping behind me. I didn't see the car coming but the bloke in it chewed his fists like he was really scared.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)