Saturday, 18 August 2007

Occasions when I have put my foot in it

I try to avoid those personality tests because although they are very interesting I know that I would get a zero in all the scores. This is because I have hardly any social skills at all. I do get on well with children and animals, but then neither do they. They are fun and cuddly and playful with themselves and each other, so social in that respect, but when it comes to what may be called the higher social skills they are sadly lacking, as indeed I am myself.

Sometimes it is verging on the autistic, I don't mind admitting this. I have a talent for saying the wrong thing or whatever pops into my head, just like a child.

This gets me into all sorts of trouble. For instance, there was a lovely woman at work who was very nice to me and with whom I got on well. However, once when a lady came to pick her up (who was wearing a pony tail) I said 'Oh, was that your daughter?' and she said 'No, it was my sister' but fortunately she saw the funny side and rushed off to tell her friend. The next instance is so bad that I can hardly bring myself to write it down. I knew that her ex was a body builder and very good-looking (indeed I had complimented her on how good looking her son was as I had seen him in Morrisons, and how much he looked just like her, I was trying to make up for the previous faux pas) and he had run off with somebody else (but a long time ago)so I said, in attempt to make her feel better (I do try, at least) 'Well, that's the problem with good looking men, they get loads of opportunities to stray. If you'd have had a not so good looking, bald one you'd have been alright!' She looked at me a bit funny, and later on I saw her husband pick her up, and guess what he looked like.

Another instance, at the same workplace people were showing their tattoos and, in an attempt to be sociable I showed mine too. Then I said 'This rose is a bit naff, if only I'd got a lovely celtic one like they have now. Oh, well, it could have been worse, it could have been a butterfly' and the next lass was rolling up her sleeves and guess what tattoo she had. Actually, this girl Abigail was the one of the few people I have ever met whose supreme social skills acted as a foil to or a counterbalance to my lack. In attempt to change the subject I had said 'Well, it could have been even worse because I know someone who had 'Sean's Woman' tattooed on her' and she said, pointing to the lass next to her 'Nicky, you've got one of those, haven't you'.

I am going to devote a whole posting to Abigail as she was very interesting. This is going to get x-rated, but I am now writing as an adult. These are chambermaids from Hull talking and if you're going to write about something you've got to be authentic. We were talking about Nicky's pregnancy and whether she had still enjoyed conjugal relations with her boyfriend throughout her pregnancy. She had said that she had not. Me, in an attempt to be nice and tactful again (in case it was because he had not found her attractive in pregnancy) said 'Well, I think that's nice. He perhaps shows that he doesn't want to hurt the baby'and she said 'No it doesn't. I bet his willy wasn't that big, was it Nicky?'


Eleanor said...

Rima, that last one was an example of humour that goes all the way.

Frances said...

Love this.
I go too far with my sense of humour too, and I find people take me seriously when I think it's obvious I'm fantasising and talking rubbish, gets me in a lot of trouble. I also misunderstand why people are saying things and take conversations in the wrong direction.
I was with a friend who was pregnant at the time and she said something to a mixed group of us about pregnant women and sex. I wasn't listening properly (as usual) and said 'Yes I was the same, a randy beast the whole time' and what she had been saying was that pregnant women and those with babies go right off sex.... I was expected to give her an alibi and did the opposite. I don't think she forgave me! Hopeless.

Rima said...

Well, nothing compared to the booboo I made at the frigging baby store, where this really slim saleswoman had this really round belly sticking out, and me - still hormonally unbalanced from having my first baby at 40 - pointed to the... thing and brightly exclaimed: Oh, and when are you due? Needless to say, I was lucky that looks don't kill, however dirty you try to make them.

My philosophy is this: you're not putting your foot in your mouth, you're doing some kind of voodoo mind-reading thing, and the words that come out are an interpretation of what's going on around this person's aura - the more embarrassing the faux-pas, the more repressed is the other person's desire for what you just said. So there. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Rima said...

I forgot to say that now my own cat thinks I'm crazy because I was laughing so hard I was hiccuping while reading your post. You're amazing.

Sweet Irene said...

Hah, I love it! That is British humor and I hear it in a British voice too. I don't know what accent you have, but I just imagined you telling that last one like you were a Sharon Tate character. Absolutely love it! I also have a way of putting my foot in my mouth, but I have learned to stay quiet and not open my mouth before I have thought about everything very well, otherwise bad stuff comes out. I am sort of a randy person in my head and I say randy things when I don't watch it.

Debi said...

How many ways can I say how much you make me laugh, Beverly. I love your posts!

I'm too embarrassed to recount or remember my faux-pas, but I do remember this classic one of someone else:

My husband's grandfather who was known for outrageously large foot-in-mouth incidents met a woman and said, "You look just like my aunt Mary." The woman said, "Oh really?" He replied, "Yes, just like her, it's amazing. Ah Aunt Mary. She was ugly as sin, but had a heart of gold."